In and Out of Phase

While I would like to be conscious of an ability to generate a manefestation of the Avatar, often I do not. My reality has been gray since Sunday Afternoon, an extention of the Sunday Blahs one can get. I haven't wanted to say my mantra, but I do it anyway, and last night I couldn't sleep due to an Anxiety Attack.

The Avatar came upon me today when I was going down the parking garage steps this morning, and I felt as though I were a god wearing a man suit. All became clear, and consciousness was expanded as energy radiated out of my body. I didn't smell the colors representing the parking levels, so I think I can rule out Schizophrenia (though the gnome walking with me makes me wonder ;) ) Over the course of the morning it faded and I am again back to Blah.

I shrug and go about my day.

Unintentional Trickster

I've got nada in the Enlightening Dept, so here's a little drama in a small corner of my world.

There is a temp postal worker named Jon filling in for Dana at the PO while he's on vacation. Young fella, full of life, enthusiastic, and handsome.
One day, while stopping to drop off my usual load of crates full of socks, a gorgeous blonde walks out into the parking lot with a big smile on her face, blushing. I thought she might be talking on her cell phone, but no.
And she wasn't looking at me, either.
So I go into an empty PO to see just Jon working and say
"OH! THAT's why that pretty blonde was smiling!"
"She was smiling?" He beamed.
"Yes, she seemed to be in a very good mood."
He was elated, and told me the story of how she had come in for just one stamp, and he asked her if she wanted to buy one of the little teddy bears they feature.
"Why don't YOU buy me one?" She flirted.
"If you come back in tomorrow, I definitely will", he said.
So the stage is set.

The next day I send our employee to the post office with an express package, and tell her to tease Jon by saying "please buy me a teddy bear", which she does.
Thay had never seen each other before, and he did not know she was our employee.
She returns and verifies that he is INDEED as cute as I had described, and she asked if I would discreetly give him her business card on the grounds that she wanted to take pictures of his parrot (displayed in a pic on his desk) for an "art project", a reasonable excuse for a casual date.
I agreed and took the day's load in.
It was really busy, the line going out to the lobby, so I put the load down in receiving, wait for him to notice me, and hand him the card, parroting what she had asked me to say.

Do you see where this is going yet?

His eyes light up "that girl that I talked to before??"
Yep.
"I don't have an email account but I'll definitely work something out" he says, still smiling ear to ear.

That night, 10 minutes after his shift ends, he calls her. I can only assume he did this from the parking lot of the PO, because he does not live near here.

They talk for two hours or something. They make a date to take the pictures, sometime next week.

As I thunk on this later in the night, it occurred to me that he might have thought I was talking about the blushing blonde.

Now, this employee of ours is a cute girl with a great personality....but she is no blushing blonde. She has her own sexy traits, but as I say, much of it is personality, at least from my point of view.
His could be different.

The thing is...what if it isn't? What if he really thought he was talking to blushing blonde for 2 hours, and probably masturbating to the thought of her being in his house?
What happens when a giddy but a bit frumpy girl rings his doorbell?
I have nothing against heavyset girls at all, it's just not my "thing", and judging Jon by his mannerisms, he may either not care, be overjoyed that ANY woman has shown interest in him (he seems a little desperate for such a handsome guy) or his penis will creep up into his pelvis and hide.

Again, it's not that frumpy employee isn't do-able by any stretch of the imagination, she just Isn't Hot Blushing Blonde. Two completely different monsters.
And I think he thinks it's the Blonde.

I thought about clearing it up with him, making sure he knows just who he was talking to, but ultimately decided against it, because I want to see how this plays out.
Either way, he transfers out monday and I won't hear the results from him. It will come from employee, and if it's bad news, I will feel equally bad.
At the same time, the Trickster in me hopes it happens as I imagine it will, just for the sheer entertainment value.

I will share the results, mundane or morbidly amusing, when I find out.

EA Archives are now up.

For some reason, this blogger template did not give me the archives, so I put one there. Take the time to puruse the good posts that the other fellows have posted.

BTW-what happened, no one has anything to add?

Fear

My life is surrounded by Fear. Fear of failure, fear of job loss, fear of, of...you know, Fear. Some days I eat and fucking breathe it. I had a hairy day at work yesterday, and while it wasn't job threatening, I still felt acutely fearful of job loss. And it fucking blows when reality and your mind don't see eye to eye.

So I was doing my affirmation at the end of the night, and I put my Death on my left shoulder as a reminder of the big picture, and my fear went away for the time being. WIth your own death looking you in the eye, work related issues become trivial, a lot of things become trivial.

Of course I get the irrational stab from time to time. It happened while I was writing this. But what can I do other than what I'm already doing? I just gotta pick up my pack and shoulder on down the path that is my life.

Not Much Doin' In Avatar Land

I'm still saying my affirmation, though it's reached a point where I'm starting to resist it. But I think as the guitar fills my consciousness more and more, I need to call upon another avatar, and perhaps take on the aspect of The Musician. I have a long, long road ahead of me to get any form of competence, but I'm hot on the trail. I pick up Bianca as often as I can when I'm around the house, and work at getting my hands in shape.

Speaking of getting in shape. I think being healthy and moving around and exercising and eating well is a great way to clean out the conduits to allow easier transformation into the avatar of your choosing. Unless of course you want Pan, but that's a whole different story.

Acts of Becoming

I don’t often get to see the transformation in a person from one thing to another, at least I don’t often pay attention. We are born, we move and life flows around us, we are humans veiled by self, family, society. The colored threads of our personal tapestry, are mostly invisible, becoming seen only in times of transition and transformation. The first Communion, First Kiss, Deflowerinig, Graduations, Marriages, Parenthood, all of these are transformations when you literally become a new person. As the occasional Reverend, I’ve been facilitator for few transformations, but never have I actively watched for it.

I’m a cynic, a frustrated romantic, who gets caught up in how things should be, and rages when even the most basic of human civilness crumbles. I have said many things about The United States of America, and it’s spineless leadership, it’s overweight, often jingoistic, uneducated populace. But today I got to see the good side, the Hopes and Aspirations of The American Dream beginning to be realized.

Alessandra became a Naturalized Citizen today, and I got to watch my wife go through the act of becoming something new. A new layer was added to her being. I tried to snap a picture of it, but of course you can’t nab the picosecond of change on a chip. And I’m very happy for her and her new status. I hope she holds an awareness of it.

The Everyday Avatar is all about acts of becoming. and awareness of who you want to become. Transformation can happen daily, hourly, minutely. Who do you want to be? How will you call into being your new self? How will you hang on to it?

Blah, blah, blah. I just wanted to say I love my wife and am proud she took the steps for Naturalization, if only to be able to hang on to our stuff if something should happen to me. She can now at least attempt to vote the wrong guy out of orifice. Today I am Fred Flintstone- Yabba Dabba Doo!

Personal responsibility waning, experts say

Update: Link Fixed

A fairly lengthy article. It really steams me that our governemnt is setting the standard for not taking responsibility (both Clinton and Bush).

"People begin to live in a way where they don't share a lot of symbolic meaning with the people near them," said the Rev. John Staudenmaier, S.J., a historian at the University of Detroit Mercy. "They don't want to share. They don't come from a world where the commitments you make bind you."

All the more reason to take personal responsiblity if only to go against the current trend. Try it some time. Take or admit responsibility for something and watch the person you're speaking to become uncomfortable. It's weird.

Man-tra Revisited

Nearly a month ago I began a twice daily recitation of an affirmation of the Everyday Avatar variety. I can say that it is really affecting me, in that I am living closer along these lines. At this time, it seems that even the one's I'm not doing very well, do tend to set off alarms of discomfort in me, and I am actively working towards their practice. I read facing a mirror and looking myself in the eyes. Yesterday I was taking a nap when I had a death scare. These happen from time to time when I picture myself laying in a coffin surrounded by mourners, and I immediately kick into fight/flight, usually with a shout. I laughed at myself when I calmed down. "You get what you ask for," I said. And there was power to it. A brief awareness, that I need not be frightened. That I can do anything. Then it went away until wrote this. All in all though, it appears that reciting this seems to be aligning me towards the ideal I have of the Everyday Avatar. And I think other people notice it, but I'm not quite sure. More on this next month.

I have edited the first line and added the second line, but it seems to fit.

Today I am a god disguised as a man.

My own death rides my left shoulder to remind me of my mortality and all the things that go with awareness of a limited lifespan.

I am present in all of my interactions with the Big Outside.

I am attentive to my partner needs.

I am kind to children, animals and, yes family

I do no harm.

I take care of myself, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

I admit when I'm wrong. Even if it means getting in trouble.

I do the job in front of me, and complete to the best of my ability, what I set out to do.

I laugh at myself, and problably at you too. Sorry.

I do not take all of this (looks around) so seriously.

I remember that I am powerless over most things that piss me off, and it is only my interpretation of events, combined with my desires that that does the actual pissing.

I can be the person I want to be with a simple twist of mind, and lots of practice.

I will somehow fuck some of this up, and will do my best to walk the path tomorrow.

I take responsibility for my actions.

I love myself.

A day in the life:

The world of the Everyday Avatar is a cycle of remembering your Secret Self in the merciless light of Noon forgetting.

The fire of Anger turns all selves to ash. There is only heat without balance and then comes The Trouble.

The truth is always in the eyes, when you can remember that. Face yourself in the mirror...stare hard.

As above, so below...and below that is someone else's above, as your above is another's below. All are part of the Grand Iteration.

Sometimes I panic and do foolish things although I do plenty of those without the panic infusion. These things cause me to write stuff like this.

I am both a Fool and a fool riding a sinewave but not knowing the math.

My penis no longer rules me. I've long since choked it into submission.

It is night and the Everyday Avatar seeks to dream of higher planes: ones filled with Magic and Pleasure. Love is good too, but my that already fills my days. Love and Longing.

I am Man: here me snore!

It's not the size of your totem pole...

Over at Chapel Perilous, Bsti made mention in comments in reference to penis-size that...

"I'm not going to post my results, nor should anyone else, if the subject were to come up! That's more of an EA kind of thing, I would imagine."

Is it an Everyday Avatar kind of thing? I suppose it is, but on the internet there's really no context, nor is there any street-cred to be gained or lost, because really, the visitors aren't here to check the bulges in our pants, they're here for our brains...

QUIT LAUGHING, Ladies!!! ;)

Okay. Now, where was I? That's right, penis size. Let's just say if the macro function of this digicam were worth anything... no, that's not what I wanted to say... self-deprecating humor only goes so far.

It's springtime. Just make sure to remember that wherever you go, there you are. The wisdom of Buckaroo Banzai was never more evident.

(did I really say anything?)

Lessons Learned

A lot of lessons occured in my life between Friday Morning and Sunday Evening. There are stories that could be expounded on, but my time for such things is limited.

1. When you get pissed because someone isn't seeing things your way, chances are you aren't seeing things their way.

2. While it's hard to imagine your parents having an active sex life be glad they're having fun, and hope when you get to their age, that you can too.

3. Everyday should be as miraculous as your first real day out of prision. Be where you are for the first time, always.

4. Being a good person means being interested in the people around you. How much do you know about the people you interact with everyday?

5. Just because you do certain things for your wife this does not mean she needs to do the same exact things for you. (Oddly enough, this is NOT sex related).

6. Hundreds of thousands (if not millions) of people can pray for your health to improve, and it still won't work. You will die anyway.

7. People tend to talk about their elders as if they weren't people or even there. I will try not to.

8. Sometimes all the cleanser in the world will not make a toilet clean, and you gotta use Lysol.

9. Game night with friends is good.

Staying Young Inside

I spent the other day hanging out with my friends James and Laura, who had just got back from an extended stay in Thailand and who will be getting married later this summer. They are also artists and for several hours we sat around the floor drawing and playing drums and games and just generally being kids. At least like how Metachor and I were kids growing up together, which never seemed like all that normal of a childhood.

For a year I've lived in a collective house with a family raising two girls, aged 3 and 6. Being around them regularly has really reminded me just how amazing that young state is. Kids just apprehend the world so intensely, with a primal sense of wonder (and awe) that comes before any of the other filters we put on our experience. They are always learning and always playingand always creating. What a great place to be brought back to. The world has become so much more fun and magical since learning to be young again.

But it's not such a sustainable archetype, children are vulnerable and life can be hostile. When I left my friends house I felt like I had to throw back on all these other roles, social customs, and solid beliefs, all the masks that help me deal with the everday world. What a burden to feel the need for such psychic protection, like heavy coats in the summer. Why do we live in a culture that thinks growing up is actually a good idea? Or that it's possible to pretend to ourselves that we're not always kids at heart?

JunkYardBlog

(in which I try to come to a point, but end up rambling)
I read this pretty regularly because, well, I don't really know why. Just have for a long time. I guess because I happen to like how they write even though I rarely agree with them.
A commenter puts forth a question that has, as yet, gone unanswered, and touches upon something I've been wondering about.

Why are people who believe in Heaven so adamant about keeping the terminally ill from reaching it?
She's been in limbo for 15 years, as has her family.
Why won't they just let her be with "God"?
One argument might be that it is God's Plan that this case become a focal point for the advent of a revised moral compass on dealing with non-functioning humans.
And so I am still left with the awful aftertaste of Divine Intervention.

AS again, I believe in many things, but many things might not believe in me.
My current belief structure says that god either
a) doesn't know of our existence
b) does, but will not interfere.
If it is any more than that, I am a mere cog in the wheel of the machine that runs the curtains for the Big Drama and my life has no real significance other than to be a slave to an entity that thrives on worship. Less than a cog. I don't make news. I am one of the bristles on the broom that sweeps out the restroom of the catering station for the stand-ins and extras.
Remember, God once said He was A Jealous God, (don't take any gods before ME) therefore implying the actual existence of other Gods. If there weren't, He'd certainly have Nothing To Be Jealous About.
If He did indeed create us, He gave us the ability to become Like Him, which don't do that, it makes Him Jealous.

Terri is gone and good. Better perhaps that she lived, but she didn't and is with her God now.
I write this because I openly wonder why christians would deprive the Afterlife of people who clearly are so near.
Isn't Heaven a better place than on earth in bed soiling yourself and unable to communicate?
(I fully realize IATIA is not male, but did it for the sake of brevity?)