Becoming the Musician

A strange transformation happened to me earlier this week. Totally unexpected. I became, for a very brief time, a musician.

I don't really consider myself much of anything anymore other than me. Well, sometimes a Nerd, but that's about it. I haven't pigeonholed myself in a while, and I especially stay away from any art related title other than my offical job title.

As you know I'm learning the guitar, and while I practice daily, I don't think of myself as a muscian. Maybe it's due to low self esteem, I dunno, but in my self image, guitar playing musicia , isn't there, despite the fact that's what I'm doing.

I was at my friend John's house and we were playing together. I can't quite get my mouth around the word "Jamming", but we were goofing around. And John was kind enough to play a rhythm while I noodled around in C at the 5th fret.

Ok, I can't say "jam", but I can say "noodle", but there I was actually creating music. Making phrases and rhythms...me. Even though what I was producing was uneven and clumsy  it didn't totally suck, and for a brief moment, I felt the music in my heart and was transformed into the Musician. Then I became self aware and the moment was lost.

But hey, there is always the next time I pick up.

ps-It seems that the drugged feeling from the Meds have worn off, but I still crave the sweets and have a tough time waking up in the morning, it's not as bad as it was.

Avatars Gone By

There are very few photographs of me after the age of seven or so. This isn't because I object to photography or anything -- after all, my soul was already relinquished to the cold film of Kodak when I was an infant, so what do I care now? No, it just worked out that way.

So I was surprised last week when I was going through a bunch of photos my ex-wife gave me. They were mostly of our daughter, but slipped in among them was this one:

Behold the Fancy Rev. Fenderson in 1980, age 15

I've often marvelled that I don't feel fundamentally any different now than I did as a kid. As a youth picturing what I would be like at my age now, I was certain that I would view the world, and myself, very differently. Interesting how wrong I was. Sure, I have things that come with age -- I'm more skeptical, experienced, wiser, worn, and all that. But at heart, I'm still the same person.

Almost.

My first thought when I saw the photo was "hey, I wasn't a bad looking kid." This surprised me, because at the time I thought I was pretty seriously grotesque. Even once I became a shameless womanizer (that picture was taken by my Very First Lover, so the womanizing would still be a year or so away) I didn't shed my poor self-image until one shattering afternoon, talking with a woman who couldn't keep from speaking her honest opinions if she wanted to. I had asked her if I was attractive. She said "you're no Chippendale, but you're acceptable." There was no bullshit in that answer, and it changed my self-image forever. I could work with "acceptable".

Now when I look in the mirror, I see a body that is acceptably attractive. When the light is just right, "handsome" probably isn't too much of a stretch.

I wonder what I'll think when, in another 25 years, I see a picture of myself now.

Dispatch from AntiDepressant Land

So it's been nearly 3 weeks since I began taking Paxil. The Good News is that the anxiety seems to have gone away. I'm sleeping better.

The Bad News is that I feel medicated and drowsy most of the time. Lethargic, and I'm also craving caffine and refined sugars like candy and ice cream. My Cycling has gone to shit as I can't get up in the morning to ride due to the lethargy, and when I do ride, my CV is labored and my stamina has dropped like a fucking rock. I have 1 month to get into shape for the MS 150 the weekend of Sept. 11

Also, I'm constipated which is a drag because I sure do love a good dump, and now it only comes once a day instead of 3. I need more intense stimuli in order to "rub one out." My imagination isn't quite cutting it anymore, but I don't know if its because of the meds or because I'm 38 and there is a decline in my sex drive (which there isn't, I don't think), but hooray free Interweb porn. However I am at my base, still constantly horny. I feel the energy sort of beating at a rubbery-lethargic shell.

But hey, at least the throat closure and what seems to be a lot of acid reflux is gone.

So what does this mean as an Everyday Avatar? I don't really know. I don't feel real gender based right now. I'm just the Cap'n, not the Shaman, not the Artist, just the guy who is drifting through life with no real direction other than wanting to play the guitar and get laid, though I can still get angry at the social and political injustice. Thank the Fuck that I still have my sense of warped humor.

That's about it for now. As always, more as it develops.


Can God Do Almost Everything But Fuck? That's my mnemonic to remember the Cycle of 5ths for guitar. Funny eh?

Which Mythological God Are You?

Frey Indeed, you are 58% erudite, 91% sensual, 54% martial, and 45% saturnine.

Frey was, just like his twin sister Freya, a member of the Vanir family and thus a God of fertility and love. Along with Odin and Thor he was one of the most popular Norse Gods, and received many offerings. He was said to have control of the weather, both rain and sunshine, thus the fertility of the earth. Prayers were also offered to Frey for a good future, peace and prosperity. Frey is described as being handsome, powerful, merciful and kind. Fitting considered he was - let’s be frank - the God of sex. His cult included songs and actions which shocked contemporary and later Christians, who condemned them as indecent, which they of course were not to the participants in the cult themselves. Frey lived in Alfheim, "Elf-home", a name which indicates a possible connection between Vanir and Elves. His servant was the Goddess Beyla, who was all about bees and dairy. Not to far off, I think, as “Milk and Honey” and the things that Frey stands for are equally sweet. The Fifteen Gods These are the 15 categories of this test. If you score above average in … …all or none of the four variables: Dagda. … Erudite: Thoth. … Sensual: Frey. … Martial: Mars. … Saturnine: Mictlantecuhtli. … Erudite & Sensual: Amun. … Erudite & Martial: Odin. … Erudite & Saturnine: Anubis. … Sensual & Martial: Zeus. … Sensual & Saturnine: Cernunnos. … Martial & Saturnine: Loki. … Erudite, Sensual & Martial: Lug. … Erudite, Sensual & Saturnine: Coyote. … Erudite, Martial & Saturnine: Hades. … Sensual, Martial & Saturnine: Pan.

This test tracked 4 variables. How the score compared to the other people's: Higher than 5% on erudite Higher than 88% on sensual Higher than 41% on martial Higher than 24% on saturnine

Link: The Mythological God Test written by Nitsuki on Ok Cupid