No Touch Monkey!

LONDON (Reuters Life!) - The world's oldest recorded joke has been traced back to 1900 BC and suggests that toilet humor was as popular with the ancients as it is today.

It is a saying of the Sumerians, who lived in what is now southern Iraq and goes: 'Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap.'

The Sumerian version of "Rectum? Damn near killed him!"

Adbusters Culturejammer Headquarters

We are a lost generation, desperately clinging to anything that feels real, but too afraid to become it ourselves. We are a defeated generation, resigned to the hypocrisy of those before us, who once sang songs of rebellion and now sell them back to us. We are the last generation, a culmination of all previous things, destroyed by the vapidity that surrounds us. The hipster represents the end of Western civilization – a culture so detached and disconnected that it has stopped giving birth to anything new.

Gothamist: NYPD Investigates Cop Videotaped Throwing Cyclist Off Bike: "According to Officer Pogan, Long rode his bike straight into him, knocking them both down and causing a “laceration” on his arm. This account would seem to contradict the incendiary video, shot by a tourist. Long was arrested for attempted assault, resisting arrest and disorderly conduct, and, apparently Officer Pogan wrote in his report that Long told him: “You are pawns in the game. I’m going to have your job.”

Bill DiPaola, a director of Time’s Up, told the Times he arrived just after Long went down. “He got up and was dazed. They put their knees on top of his head and were smashing him into a phone booth.” Long, who was not wearing a helmet, was bruised but not hospitalized, and spent 26 hours in jail. After the video surfaced yesterday, Pogan was stripped of his gun and badge pending an investigation. But his father defended him to the Daily News, saying, “You gotta do what you gotta do to make an arrest.” And in discussing the video with the News, an unidentified NYPD source says, 'The video is bad - what can you say?'

Nice a second generation facist. So what happens when there is no need for an arrest?

Next to the Colbert

Labels: Fuck The Man

At the critical mass bike ride this weekend in NYC, a Cop just runs up and shoves this guy off a bike for no apparent reason. The cyclist was on a path to hit said Pig and Piggy just runs up and knocks him off the bike.



Not all cops are Pigs, but this dude sure takes the bacon.

Labels: C, Fuck The Man, WTF

A flat tire on my backup bike necessitates an emergency pickup from Alessandra 12 miles from home. I no sooner get the tire fixed. $$ when I get the call my primary bike is fixed $$.

A super secret personal project takes up all of Saturday afternoon. I discover there are things I cannot discuss here at NTM! Chris M. knows what I'm talking about though. I'll give you a hint. Did you know that the first act on the first episode of the The Muppet Show is Menomina which is really fucking hilarious.

I win $70 for Second Place in a costume contest at a 70's Theme Party.

I discover The Middleman - Official TV Show Website. It's pretty damn snappy!

Sunday:

After a 20 mile bike ride, I meet a local Sex Blogger move. Having Stumbled Upon her, I discover that she is far more than the blog persona (aren't we all?), as well as very Nerd Girl Chic. In an amazing coincidence, it was discovered kind of know her exhusband and spent time chatting with him at the 70's party the night before. It was an all too brief meeting as I had more stuff to do that day, but pleasant in a moving a bunch of shit on a hot day kind way.

Followed by some tv with the wife, a nap and a boot camp.

Today is Monday and I'm spent!

Labels: The Cap'n, The Geeks are my People

How do we know? Because at any time, on any computer, nearly everywhere. Someone can choose to watch The Big Shoe Dance.

Labels: silly

MTV readies 'Rocky Horror' redux -



If every movie is remade, what will happen when Hollywood runs out of remakes? Remake the remake? It's more likely than you think. Just call it, "reimagining".

Not like Rocky Horror is any good to being with. In fact, it's fucking awful especially when you are watching it sober in your apartment on VHS. But from time to time, it is fun to watch at midnight with your friends.

Capn's Rocky Horror Memories:

Going in 1978-ish with my Baby Sitter to the Midnight Show.

Nearly getting molested by some guy who wouldn't take his hands off me at a SciFi convention while I was paralyzed with drink.

Meeting some strange girl in the theater and getting laid in a friends van towards the end of the movie ending with all my friends opening all the van doors at the same time when the movie let out!

Some sort of vomiting thing and spaying people with beer during the "Light Over at the Frankenstein Place" number.

Causing the local characters to stop acting and crowd around Ale and I because we had cool LED lights flashing "Time Warp" & "Frank N Furter" during the Time Warp.

Anyway, you don't remake Citizen Kane with Shia Labeouf, you can't remake The Rocky Horror Picture Show without Tim Curry, Susan Sarandon and that other guy. And they're too fucking old, so therefore you don't remake it. Besides, have you actually watched it? It sucks.

Years ago, Alessandra took several african dance classes while I played djembe with a group for them. She had wanted to video tape just the warm up so she could do it at home and practice her skills, but her instructor wanted to keep the secret.

One day I took notes, and nearly 8 years later I found them in an old notebook. So here they are. Careful now, it's akin to calling down the lightning:
(note: assume the change rhythm between each move)

Doot todoot todoot dat-dat-dat!

Do do dat da dat, Do do dat da dat...

Neck Foward

Doot todoot todoot dat-dat-dat!

Faster

Side to Side

Side to Side Faster

Left, Down, Up, Right, Left

Left to RIght, Down

L -> R, Down Faster

L->R Bob head twice on each side

L->R Arms Out

Egyptian Neck Side to side

Egyptian Neck front to back

Head Bob arms up

Head bob arms up, down flip

Head bob, arms up, walk

Shoulders & Arms up-Reach

Shoulders, Squat,

Shoulder Roll front & Back

Shoulder Roll front & Back, fast

Shoulder roll

Should roll, chicken flap

Pelvic Thrust

Pelvic Thrust Up & Down, fast

Arms Forward-hip sway

Hip walk circle

hip walk circle-reverse direction

Hips move in directions

Arms up-Back Kick

Arms wave Back

Arms Wave Front

Arms Wave Twist

Arms Wave Dance

Circular Arms

Circular Arms-Walk Sideways

Arms up & Down

Arms up & Down, Squat

Arms up & Down, Squat Crap Walk

Doggie Pelvis

Doggie Arch Back

Doggie Arch Back, Fast

Doggie Arch Back Head Roll

Doggie Arms Circle

Doggie Arms Out

Prayer arms out

Arms out, walk backwards

Slow Hips Palms Out

Palms out, Hop

Palms Hips again

Palms, Hips, Pelvic Thrust

Palms out, hop back

Palms up, Pelvic Thrust

Pelvic Thrust, Chop Wood

Palms Up, Pelvic Thrust-go lower

(note: found in note "Practice hip stuff on Plattner")

Arms out, bird jump

Big Aerobic thing, knees up

Bird Arms, Aerobic Jump Twist

Foot run Arms out, One at at time.

End

OK people get cracking! Now send me your videos. Heh.

"Oh Thank Heaven!" indeed. See you there soon Smokey Joe.

Taken by me at the local 7-11

Labels: Nothing to see here folks-move along, p

shawn barber Copyright 2008

Holy Cow! Are these works stellar! They just take my breath away. Just...wow.

Labels: Art, NSFW, tattooed chicks, Worth your time

Facts: I work 30 miles from my office in another state for a company of 300 people, spread out in 4 buildings over 2 towns. I took a blood test week ago last tuesday, and I was running late for work w/o breakfast so I ate at McDonald's near my house (where I first saw the painting in the post below).

While waiting in line, a teenage girl asked if I could take a picture with her friend. "Sure, ok."

How surprised do you think I was when not 10 minutes after posting today's link, as I'm leaving for lunch, a co-worker tells me that she saw a picture of me on her son's, girlfriend's Facebook, site?

Pretty Damn Surprised.

Labels: weird

Click to enlarge

I saw this painting last week and I was struck by...something about it. I think it's supposed to be whimsy, but in my mind comes across as a deliberate attempt to rewrite history. Look, "The People" are undereducated enough as it is. Do we really need an extra-discreet piece of misinformation lodged in our heads?

Labels: Fuck The Man, The Man

If you are a regular visitor to NTM!, you will know that from time to time I get the urge to eat a baby. I mean, I hate the little fuckers (not yours of course...little angel) for all the diseases they spread. Toughen your immune system my ass! And of course I really wouldn't actually eat a baby, I mean talk about having to scour your pans and mop the counters...

So that said:


M-M_M! That's Good Baby.

Found at Cake Wrecks via Neatorama

We did get our cancellation notice in within the 3 days and we are out of the "contract". They come to replace our system and fix us up again with ADT in early August.

Fuck you APX

Labels: The Cap'n

While I was searching my Google Reader over my Cheerios I came across this image at ffffound.com. I have a beat up, water damaged, signed print of this in my basement office. Unfortunately because it's beat up, and water damaged it resides under the glass on my computer desk in my "office" buried under discs, dust and junk. Still though. I love this picture and it makes me happy to look at it.

There is some question as to what is going on in the picture, but I've never really thought too deeply about it as I like it because it looks like the trippy fish are having a good time.

Labels: Things and Stuff

I was just surfing this morning when I came across this very interesting post over at Something Awful. Share and enjoy.

A beginner's journey into the wild world of keeping honeybees

Q: Why are there guys installing an alarm system in my house at 10 pm?

A: Because a representative of APX Alarms told Alessandra he was there to "upgrade" our system, and it was only when he was nearly done was it revealed we were changing alarm companies.

What?
Apparently that's the MO of APX Alarms whose marketing people travel around the US tricking people into switching their alarm service to theirs.

See Apx alarm scam

I wasn't home at the time, but when I arrived I was introduced to the guy who was there to upgrade our system.

It was only when we set out to finalize the paperwork that we figured it out that they were going to charge us $10 more a month for their service (even though we got a new battery, smoke detector).

Since we were hesitant to tell him "No, rip this stuff out" because the guys were nearly done installing the equipment, the guy offered to pay us $240 to cover the what we would have paid extra over 2 years.

I have to admit to cognitive dissonance paralysis as I didn't know what to make of the whole scenario. The guy talked us into a 3 year contract (which is what we had had with ATD), but hey we got some extra key fob remotes, and a check for $240 bucks.

By the time we were done and everything had been installed, Alessandra and I felt as if we were victims of a hit and run. This is the interesting part we were told that we could try it out for a week then switch back, but after calling the company we were told we actually only had 3 days to cancel the service with no fees. It didn't help us that the guy was in his early 20s, friendly and willing to shell out what we thought was part of his commission in order to get us to sign. Unfortunately he also spoke Portuguese and had spent 2 years in Brazil as part of a church group (so he heard Alessandra talking to the friends that were over about whether it was a scam or not).

Needless to say we did that first thing this morning with both of faxing the form in from our places of business.

I hate to say this, but it's true. There are times when anyone can get steamrolled by anyone. That's what the science of sales does, it bypasses the brain and the next thing you know, you're fucked in the ass. Of course he told us about the fee while the guys were hard at work, I felt like an ass thinking about asking the guys doing the work to go and put it all back especially since Hey, we're getting a smoke detector bonus AND a cellular phone out to the monitoring service, plus...a lighted sign to put in front of the house.

Luckily there is an escape clause in the contract or we'd be hosed like so many others, contractually bound for 2500-5000 dollars to get out. We don't have that kind of cash on hand.

So the moral of the story is, if anyone comes to your house to upgrade your system. Tell em, "Sorry Dude, Cap'n Marrrrk says you're a fraud."

Meanwhile we feel like dopes, but dopes smart enough to hopefully opt out on time.

Less than 20 rides with the new bike and I've already broken it. It does amuse me though how it happened:

Sunday I was out riding with my friend Sapo and we were down by the Anheuser-Busch Brewery. I was reflecting about the Inbev buyout (not yet happened) and I was thinking about a lot of those smug AB suits I've met in my time possibly losing their jobs. Sorry, sometimes I'm petty, and while I understand not all AB guys are smug, there are some guys who have been douchie towards me and my coworkers over the years, and I wouldn't mind seeing them out on their asses.

So while I was thinking about this, I took a corner too fast, my thin road bike rear tire slid out from behind me and I found myself bouncing off the pavement with only a scrape and a small strawberry to show for it. Lucky me.

The bike looked fine until I went for a ride yesterday when my deraillur (the gear changing mechanism) snapped off while I was ascending a hill and got tangled up in my spokes.

Luckily I was not too far from home, so I hefted my bike over my shoulder and walked it.

Now the shameful part. I was hoping that the deraillur was still under warranty so I took it to the bike shop hoping for a free fixey. I didn't want to admit that I fell off my bike, but unfortunately, the guys who fix the bike knew that this was impact damage (the scab on my arm, I'm sure was a dead giveaway), after several mentions of "going down" and "wiping out" I told him "bicycle forensics has outed the truth from me. Yes, I did indeed fall off my bike, damn you Bike CSI!" And we had a laugh.

Still though, I have to pay to fix it...Damn it.

In other news
I'm adding another project to my list of things to do during the week. Drawing, Exercising and now...meeting with a friend to help her with a screenplay she wants to write!

Yes I'm signing on as a writing partner which excites me to no end because someone to bounce crazy ideas off of in the hopes of producing some creative work is something I've wanted for decades but never knew how to go about it, and she approached me.

We don't quite know what its gonna be yet, but I'm hoping for the funny because we are bother highly interested in the nature of comedy.

More as it develops.

Labels: The Cap'n

Feeding our White's Tree Frogs has become a bi-nightly hilarious circus that we finally got captured in video. As it goes, when the camera is out, the frogs usually don't perform. Other night, Kiff Croaker leaped out of the tank, bounced off the cat's head then leaped another 4 feet into a soft cat. Picking him up was like finding a piece of chewed gum at PetSmart. He was so hairy he needed a rinse off.

Here are some antics from last night:



In other news
The Cap'n is Back!



Afte 9 months or so (nearly a full year total), I'm secure enough at my job to pull the Cap'n Marrrrk identity back out from under sink in the basement bathroom and put him back on. Feels nice....

Labels: funny, pets, The Cap'n

Please lower our Gas Prices.

I didn't catch the location nor could I find a local story, but the local news today said there was going to be a Prayer at the Pumps somewhere around town today.

Nine days before TED2008, filmmaker David Hoffman lost almost everything he owned in a fire that destroyed his home, office and 30 years of passionate collecting. He looks back at a life that's been wiped clean in an instant -- and looks forward.

It's interesting. Over the years I've kind of offloaded most of my stuff, much of which I'd never really accumulated in the first place. Oh I do have stuff and crap but very few things I think of as "mine". And of those, that "box of memories", I never look inside at the old birthday cards and occasional letters. I think it's because I may find it too painful to look at cards from estranged or dead family, but that's neither here nor there.

My books (most of what I think are my possessions) are replaceable, Alessandra has dozens of irreplaceable photo albums. My wife and my pets are my most "cherished possessions", but there you go. I'm not a huge ass film maker which a huge ass archive.

What would you do?

via-Ted

The Nerd/Geek Bloggosphere is creaming in it's collective jeans for the new iphone G3. Unfortunately it's spilling over into nearly every blog on my reader: "Look the new white box! The very first owner! The lines! How to unwrap and open your iphone." Sure it's cool, but it's driving me batty.

I think everyone needs to calm the fuck down and watch: The Story of Stuff



viaThe Beautiful Kind - Ramblings of an Expert Slut and Nympho Sex Goddess

Labels: Worth your time

capnmarrrrk

Check out this ad from Funk Sunglasses (click to enlarge). It's a drug and alcohol fueled "Choose Your Own Adventure" of poor decision making which leads to an array of awesomely bad results. The tag line would lead you to believe you would wear these shades going into the office with a smug hint of Laddie-type pride, but each result is completely humiliating.
Either the concept was bad or it deliberately sets out to cause Cognitive dissonance.



via-FFFFOUND!

McDonald's Hates It When America Wins

Why is McDonald's doing this? It's obvious: They want to sell junk food to China by pandering to nationalist feelings. But once this gets out, how will the knowledge that McDonald's "loves it when China wins" affect nationalist feeling here in the United States?

It won't do a damn thing. Americans already know exactly how awful McDonald's and it's fast food brethren are for you, but that knowledge doesn't stop our fat, hungry maws from eating/munching/consuming.

via The Raw Feed

Conversations with a 12 Year Old

My cousin Leslee lives in San Francisco and daughter Sara has attended a science camp (Cub Creek Science Camp) for the past 4 years in Rolla, Mo. We've offered to drive her down and back but her grandma has always done it until this year when she moved herself out to San Francisco. Since we were already going down for the 4th of July to visit my inlaws who live near by, we finally got the word that we could bring her back. Long story short, we picked her up a day early so she could visit the farm and hang out with us instead of just a quick 2 hr car ride.

Even shorter: How am I going to entertain a 12 year old girl I hardly know in a house full of Brazilians on a farm with no animals? What does one even say to a 12 year old girl?

Since Alessandra was hosting some friends at the farm as well it was up to me to go pick up my first cousin once removed for a day at a farm with no animals.

Here are the the highlights of our visit told in anecdotal conversation. Me=me, SR=Sara Rose.

SR: I believe no animal is ever responsible for an attack. It's always going to be a man going into the animals place and forgetting it's an animal. There is no such thing as a "bad" animal. Even pit bulls have to be trained, and they can be rehabilitated.

SR on NTM: No, it's not "when will the monkey bite, they always bite first thing. It's how they establish dominance. I try to teach her about anthropomorphizing, but she's already familiar with the concept and calls it "personification" which is pretty much the same thing. This girl is 12?

I know this is a silly question, but have you ever heard of a band called "The Beatles?" Me LMAO: Of course, they were the biggest pop group of all time. These two counselors at my camp [aged 17], never heard of them so I thought it was just a "California thing." Me: You are obligated to hit anyone on the nose with a rolled up newspaper if you ever hear that again.

Along the way to the farm we rescue two turtles from the highway.

SR: I have a master plan. I am going to become a veterinarian, get a job at a zoo and spend a couple of years working with big cats, maybe rescue some cheetahs, then this is the stupid part. I know it sounds stupid, but I want to rescue maybe 5 snow leopards, tranquilize them then clone them back from the edge of extinction.

Me: That is probably the best master plan I've ever heard. Think about it, by the time you finish vet school and work with the cats cloning technology will be much further along and totally possible. You have got to do it!

20 minutes into the ride to the farm: Can I ask you a question? I want to sing for you, but I need an unbiased opinion. She sings and is on key, but needs training. I tell her to remember that a)she's singing a capella, b)with no warm up & c) for a near stranger. So power to her.

While discussing the odd gifts her grandma gives her for christmas and birthdays (a tin drum so she can form a band with her brother and cousin, and a single spoon so she can learn to play the spoons). I tell her that once her grandma gave me a buy one/get one free coupon for AMC theaters. Me: Rich people don't get rich giving it away.

SR: My parents once told me "Everyone is rich in some way either in spirit, or talent or family so I told them: What about the drug addict, alcoholic with no family or friends who is about to die of aids? You can't tell me that person doesn't exist. How is he rich? They didn't have an answer.

Me:That's one of the little lies your parents tell you because they love you. They may even believe it themselves, but it's still a lie. Another one is: 'That's ok, everything will work out alright in the end' which is another lie because that certainly isn't true either.

SR: My mom told me I'd better not get burned playing with fireworks.

So I let her hold the propane torch and light our fireworks. Light then run! Later, while not exactly lying to her mom about the fireworks, neglected to tell her we were blowing shit up.

SR: I've never had a milkshake before. We later take her Steak n Shake so she can have her first strawberry/banana shake. "It's marvelous!"

SR: hates chocolate and when she received 6 boxes from boys for Valentine's Day, she offers to pay her brother and mom to eat them for her. Later in the afternoon I watch her delicately pull chocolate chips out of her Chips Ahoys.

Has read the book Wicked which has some racy parts, and wants to see the play. She heard it was awful but she wants to see it anyway "I don't want believe it's terrible because that's what people say. I want to see it because I want to judge it on my own."

SR: used the word Tenterhooks in a casual conversation.

SR: Do you miss your hair? Me: Not really, because as you can see I'm balding anyway. SR: I wish my legs would go bald because I hate shaving them. Me again laughing my ass off: Welcome to the rest of your life. You could always let it grow out and never shave like a hippy. SR: No I couldn't because I'm not a hippy.

SR: Are you an optimist or a pessimist? Me: As much as I'd like to say "Optimist" I'm going to have to go with Pessimist. SR: I'm a Pessimistic Realist

SR: Did you an Alessandra have crushes on other people before you met? Me: Of course! SR: I believe in 'love at first sight' but not "true love at first sight". I don't think thats possible.

SR: I lost 3 ipods in one month. I'm not allowed to have any more. Later SR discovered she'd left her cell phone at the camp so we had to pick it up again on the way out of town. After we put her on the plane, we discovered she's left it in my car.

And so it went for a very enjoyable afternoon and day hanging out with my cousin. It shocked the hell out of me how much this girl knows. I told her she was "dangerously smart, but criminally stupid: because of some thing she had done later that evening, but man it was a gas.

Labels: personal

This was passed along to me today via Facebook. Dave Fishman was my pledge brother in AEPi back in what 88? And he is lost to the mists of time. I haven't seen him in nearly 20 years, but someone is looking for him. I've wondered from time to time what happened to him and where he went. I found this little site very sweet. Have you seen him?

Dave is the kind of guy you want to hang with for a weekend, he's loud, provocative and annoying after a while, but he is always fun to hang with - for a weekend, like we said. Don't get us wrong, we're not inviting Dave to come spend a weekend with us, we're actually not even inviting Dave over at all - but we would love to catch up.

This is a quote from the book Night Watch which I'm currently reading and this quote really stood out.

The context is that there is a revolution brewing in the streets of Anhk-Morpork, and commander of the watch Sam Vimes knows with certainty that it's going to fail via Time Travel knowledge.

There were plotters, there was no doubt about it. Some had been ordinary people who'd had enough. Some were young people with no money who objected to the fact that the world was run by old people who were rich. Some were in it to get girls. And some had been idiots as mad as Swing [a character], with a view of the world just as rigid and unreal, who were on the side of what they called "The People." Vimes had spent his life on the streets and had met decent men and fools, and people who'd steal a penny from a blind beggar, and people who performed silent miracles or desperate crimes every day behind the grubby windows of little houses, but he'd never met The People.

People on the side of The People always ended up disappointed in any case. The found that The People tended not to be grateful or appreciative or forward-thinking or obedient. The People tended to be small-minded and conservative and not very clever and were even distrustful of cleverness. And so, the children of the revolution were faced with the age-old problem: it wasn't that you had the wrong kind of government, which was obvious, but that you had the wrong kind of people.

As soon as you saw people as things to be measured, they didn't measure up.

What would run through the streets soon enough wouldn't be a revolution or a riot. It'd be people who were frightened and panicking. It was what happened when all the machinery of a city faltered, the wheels stopped turning, and all the little rules broke down. And when that happened, humans were worse than sheep. Sheep just ran; they didn't try to bite the sheep next to them.

Labels: cool, Only Human, Story Telling, stupid-people

If we get burned it's our own faults.

I'm not always the smartest Cap'n. I'll be the first to admit that, as well as not being perfect AND being lazy.

So First Mate and I need some work done on our house, just some general scraping, painting and cosmetic work. We are referred a guy named Bill by our Elderly Widow Neighbor Ruth who says he does good work. We get a business card.

Mate calls Bill: He says he'll come over next week, look at the house and give us an estimate. A week goes by. No Bill.

Mate calls the second number on the card, Bill's Partner?: Not anymore, "I haven't worked with bill in over a year. He's still using that card? Yea, that is weird."

Another call is put into Bill. He says his computer went down. He'll come over on Saturday, 10 am to do the estimate. Saturday arrives, Bill shows up a 6pm.

He gives a great price, but we have to pay 1/2 up front for supplies. We think about it just long enough for Bill to walk out the door and then say yes.

Bill comes over to collect the check. "Hey uh, can you make this check out to me instead of the business? If it goes to the business, it takes 10 days to clear." Mate tells me No because she wants a check made out to a company and not a person.

Message from Bill on the Phone the next day: "Uhhh, I have to come get a new check because the Bank put a stop on the company account because someone stole my checks out of the truck and used them so they closed the account, so it has to go through my personal account. When Bill returns the check we gave him we can see he scratched out the company name and wrote his name on the check. Gee I wonder why the bank didn't take the check?

A week goes by. The check is cashed. No work done yet. 1/2 week goes by. Mate calls Bill: "Oh I'm going to start work tomorrow. I was going to come over because I lost your phone number and tell you that. Also someone borrowed my tall ladder and didn't return it, so I had to buy a new one."

Clearly this man is a liar, and based on my "professional" opinion an alcoholic loser (based on general appearance and speech), BUT it's almost too much hassle to try and get the money back from him (at this time) and look for someone else to do the work. Plus he's probably already bought the materials.

Of course, looking into the future. It's probably less hassle than he potential hassle, but being the lazy man I am, I am choosing to ignore the red flags and hope he does a good job.

I mean, how far off can a elderly, possibly senile old widow be?

This Morning's Dream:

I am Donald Duck and Sasquatch has kidnapped my wife Daisy Duck (who I know is Alessandra).

He is on the run to an island off the coast of Alaska. All I have to stop him is gun that shoots water balloons. Which is ineffective.

For some reason Sasquatch decides to take a slow boat, while I take a plane.

I get to the island before Sasquatch and my wife. It is there that I discover that water balloons can freeze and my silly little plastic gun is an ice ball cannon.

Sasquatch is fucked as I fill him full of giant cartoon holes because I've loaded up my ice balls with rocks and frozen grapes. Daisyssandra is mine!

I wake up.

Why Donald Duck? I've discovered that I have a 2 day delay between when I observe something and when it arrives in my dreams. Because I am a lazy man, I have never gotten around to transporting the copy of The Life & Times of Scrooge McDuck from my nightstand to the bookshelf. It's been there for months. And occasionally while Alessandra is getting ready for bed, I page through it and marvel at the art work (which I did Saturday Night), as well as eat grapes and buy some frozen blueberries (which have a funky texture in the bag).


Errata: I munch a lot of ice (which probably figures into the dream as I've been eating a lot of Sonic ice, the best ice in the US) and I bit the tip of my tongue which now sports 2 little cankers on the tip. And they sting something fierce! Talking hurts, eating hurts, even sleeping hurts because I rasp my tongue across my teeth. I've been rinsing with peroxide and putting Zilactin-B on it. The B stands for Benzocaine. It protects and numbs my tongue for a bit, and coats it with some goo, but applying it is like sticking my tongue with a tack and/or splashing acid on it. I want to scream. I have no idea how on earth anyone could possibly live through a tongue bifurcation.


Keeping up my weirdness street cred
I discovered Sunday night that if I type "Say" into my Terminal on my mac that it will use a speech synthesizer. So I used it when I answered the phone when I got a call that night. Wouldn't you know it, it was a telemarketer! Unfortunately I didn't make it past, "She's not here right now" before they hung up. I would have like to carry on a conversation. Maybe next time.

Labels: cool